Alright, I've got the multimeter!
...I stuck wires into pins 1, 2, and 3 (not all at the same time - don't wanna cross anything). From 1 to 3, the current is 16.5 V... but from 2 to 3, it's only around 2.1 V.
Something tells me that might be part of (if not most of) my problem, huh?
Well...